Chapter 01 | The Tough Decision

As he glanced around the bar, Wolfgang thought again about his problems, and broke into a cold sweat.  He felt like he had a massive weight on his shoulders, and the more he thought about it, the smaller and smaller, and more squashed he felt.  Suddenly, almost in retaliation, a not unfamiliar thought took center stage. “I could easily end it all,” he let himself think,  “all my guilt and embarrassment would end, and I would finally be free.”

Glancing around furtively, he began to formulate his plan, running through it like a litany, “Go to the mill, get the rope from the meal floor hook, tie it around the solid wooden beam near the sack floor ledge, make a noose, put it around my neck, and then jump off the ledge.”  To strengthen his resolve, Wolfgang, like a lawyer in court, said all his reasons over and over again to himself,  “I haven’t been a good husband, or a good father. I’ve wasted my life, and it would be best to end it.” “I can’t go on this way, and make everyone around me, as well as myself, miserable.”  The more Wolfgang rehearsed, the more the plan seemed his only way out–and, in his drunken state, the more determined he was to carry it through.

To bolster his courage, he acted as if everything was OK, and called to Gottfried, his bartender friend, for another beer. “How you going to pay for it, Wolfie? I don’t run an alms house for the poor, you know?” “Don’t sweat it, Gotty, I’ve wouldn’t come here if I didn’t have enough to pay my bills.  Just quit worrying and give me another drink.” Gottfried felt sorry for Wolfgang and his family, but secretly felt some satisfaction that he was doing well and Wolfgang was not. Deciding not to make a scene, Gottfried slapped Wolfgang on the back, and handed him a beer. “Enjoy, Wolfie, no more money talk tonight!”.

Wolfgang, emboldened by his plan, wondered  if he should write a note to his family. “Maybe they will be glad to see me gone,” he thought.” No more arguing with Maria, no more coming in late, drunk. And no more worry and frustration.” He felt like a lone soldier, his back against the wall, defenseless as a ring of enemy soldiers surrounded him, guns aimed at his head. There was no place to go, no escape whatsoever. Noticing that he was shaking, he tried to pull himself together, and quickly scribbled a note on a frayed piece of paper he found on the floor near the door of the pub and stuffed it in his pocket.

To my dear wife and children-

I feel my only way out is to end my mess of a life.  I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you, and hope, without me, you can have a better life.  I love you all, and want you to live happy and fulfill your dreams.

Yours forever,   Wolfgang

Trying to look nonchalant, Wolfgang quickly left the Black Forrest Pub.” Thanks for the beers, Gotty, I’ll pay for them for sure tomorrow.” Careful to not fall going out the door, he headed with an unsteady walk, for the mill. It was no longer his, but he knew it well.  Carrying out the plan would be easy, and he was ready to do it. He crept into the meal room, smelling the grain and the burlap sacks of flour.  “I finally have a plan,” he hammered into his brain, “All my troubles will be over soon.”

The giant water wheel and the massive pit wheel were silent, seemingly tucked in to sleep after a hard days work. As he walked to the back, he could see the gears of the pit wheel, which drives the smaller gear wheels that turn the millstones to grind the grain. It was the high cost of replacing the large pit-wheel that had helped start Wolfgang on the road to bankruptcy, and he turned his eyes to avoid it as he looked for the rope.

Wolfgang looked pale and gaunt–almost bedraggled–as he groped in the near dark to make preparations, tying a strong slip knot to make a roughly constructed noose. His clothes were wrinkled and dirty, and his hair appeared not to have been harrowed by a comb for quite a while.  He looked weak and in shambles, but he was a man with purpose.

As he busied himself securing the noose, thoughts of his 11 yr old daughter Maria Magdelena, his 9 year old son George, and his wife Maria flitted across his impaired consciousness.  Oh how he would hate to leave them, but he quickly convinced himself again, even more strongly that they would be better off without him. There was a sad tranquility in the cool, starlit night outside, and in the quiet, peaceful mill where Wolfgang knew he would breathe his last breath.

As he came closer and closer to setting his foolhardy plan into motion, having to grab a support to keep from falling off the ledge, his head began to clear ever so slightly. Suddenly, coming from deep within him was a strong feeling of love for his wife and children, and a very small voice, barely distinguishable, that caused him to pause dramatically. He heard it say, “You need to be there for them. This is not you, Wolfgang. Life means more to you than this.”

The voice made him step back from the ledge from which he was about to jump, and just then he heard a noise outside the mill. He stopped short to glimpse the bobbing light of a lantern that was coming closer and closer. “Vas ist los, Wolfie,” his friend, Karl, called out as he came into Wolfgang’s view. “What are you doing here? Gottlieb said he saw you head for the mill, and I decided to check out what you’re up to.” Karl was a good friend, who had worked at the mill for several years. Since Wolfgang lost the mill, he had not seen Karl as often, and was startled to be disrupted by him. “Oh, just checking out the mill, for old times sake- sneaked in to have a look at the place,” Wolfgang said, slipping off and hiding the noose– and trying to sound casual. “I also needed to be by myself to think a little,” He admitted. “Sorry to scare you.” “Oh, no problem,” Karl said with a slightly puzzled look. “When you get done looking around, want to go get a beer?”

Karl and Wolfgang soon found themselves back at the Black Forrest Pub, and Wolfgang even felt relief that Karl had interrupted his weak attempt to end it all.  Just sitting there with Karl had helped him dig himself out of the abyss that had led him to almost take his life. Karl quickly recognized that all was not well with Wolfgang, and as they talked he asked him,  “Why so sad, Wolfie?”   “I’ve got bad money problems, Karl, and life is really weighing me down.” I don’t know what to do.”  Wolfgang continued to confide in Karl and tell him about his troubles. Karl, being no stranger to poverty and adversity, was sympathetic to Wolfgang’s plight, and tried to console him.

It almost seemed like Karl was offering Wolfgang a solution when he said, completely out of the blue,  “I’ve decided to do it. I’m joining the Ansbach Regiment!” “You’ve what !?” exclaimed Wolfgang incredulously. “I’m going to fight in America, for the British against the Colonists,” Karl exclaimed, “ Those rebels have no sense about fighting. It’ll be a one-sided battle, and I’ll probably not be gone more than a year or so.” Karl continued, with great enthusiasm, “I hear that the money is good, and that they provide the soldiers a lot of extras, like special food and liquor.  It should be a really good deal.

”Wolfgang would not have been any more surprised if Karl had said he was to be a prince. He had always envied Karl’s devil may care attitude, as well as his nose for and love for adventure, and now he respected his courage for joining the Ansbach Regiment.  His thoughts jumped to the hot breath of the Margrave’s recruiting officers, pressuring him to enlist.  Wolfgang, in his despair, was still weighing the risks of doing it. But he knew that it would take him away from his family, cause them trouble, and could have many unknown risks.  On the other hand, it would pay money that he could send back to support his family, and could erase the overwhelming guilt he now felt. He had dismissed the idea with inaction. But now, with Karl taking the leap, and with the almost unbearable pressure he felt from the Margrave’s recruiters — he thought again that maybe signing up was a way out of his mess.

Opting to live — and in the back of his mind thinking that maybe his ancestors were right about the family Guardian Angel– Wolfgang stumbled along the path, wandering home, and wondering.

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Wolfgang spent several sleepless nights. It was only after those nights of tossing and turning that he finally took some drinks he desperately needed to bolster his courage, and broke the news to his wife, Maria Margareta, that he was going to join the Ansbach regiment to fight for the British. With a strange feeling, and almost with his back turned to her, he made the pronouncement.   “Oh No!” Maria exclaimed, “ You can’t leave us here with no money coming in! What will we do? Please, Wolfgang, don’t do it.”

Wolfgang knew that Maria did not want him to join the Ansbach regiment and leave for America. But he was at the end of his rope, and was scrambling for a way to save himself and his family. And in the back of his mind, he knew that leaving for America would save him from the daily embarrassment of failure. “I have made my decision, Wolfgang said, surprised at the calmness of his voice. “I will get money to join,” and it will last you until I send my soldier pay to you again.” Maria began to cry. “Karl says it would only be for a year,” assured Wolfgang. “The colonists don’t know how to fight, and I would be home by next Christmas.”

Maria was shocked and felt threatened and in despair. And yet, her subconscious self imagined how it would be to not have to deal with Wolfgang’s gambling, drinking, and temper, and to have money sent to her instead of worrying everyday how she would pay for food.  The conversation suddenly became silent and they both realized that turning silent after and argument was familiar territory. Many times they had argued violently about Wolfgang’s gambling and drinking, and Maria’s not tending to household things because of her frailty and lack of motivation–ending with no one talking.  And even now, as before, they both worried whether their marriage–which had always had a shaky part– could withstand it.

On October 25, 1777, when English Colonel William Faucitt mustered Hessian recruits in Ansbach, Wolfgang was among them. His parting from his family had been a sorrowful event, but he was convinced that this was the only way he could regain his honor, and put his and his families life back together. He knew his father had not liked the Margrave, and Wolfgang hated to help put money in his coffers, especially the extra $35 for every soldier killed in battle and $11.66 for every soldier wounded. But the ever persistent recruiters and his despair over his situation—as well as Karl’s enthusiasm– had made him finally take the leap. He rationalized that it was a better leap than the one he had contemplated at the mill, and that it would help him support his family.  And Karl was overjoyed that Wolfgang was on board.

Maria Margareta cried, and wondered if she would ever see him again. His children, Georg and Maria Magdelena, hugged him and waved good-bye with tears in their eyes.  But he had told them he would be home by next Christmas, 1778, and they believed him.